hole in my soul

drained…
hollow…
longing…
yearning…
lonely…
alone…
disconnected…
cut off…
infinite sadness.
my heart and lungs expand, contract, tho’ i do not feel alive.
the heaviness of sorrow…
a grief tamponade…
this feeling will never go away.

deception…
lies…
control…
manipulatation.
i don’t know why i’m crying.
can’t stop …
can’t start.
why do some people deplete energy?
why does death rape and pillage.
why …?

invisible

phantom spirit in the wind
darkness pinches my heart
dusty, water-stained sepia photograph
time: a thin film veils my life
indelible imprint

clarity

in the stillness of the hour before dawn,
hangs tentatively in the air
like a plump dewdrop about to fall to the ground
no wind ... no voices ... silence ...
no roaring gasoline-powered engines ...
just the sound of us -
6 feet crunching snow with each step
silence ... stillness ...
clarity lives in these moments
i breath it in
i want to feel clarity
all the way
to the very depths of my lungs
it fills me and envelopes me all at once
clarity -
of my thoughts, desires, feelings
i am ... i feel ... it’s clear ...
in this moment, its clear
... and ...
i want to savour it

cerebral burn

the flames of anger
crackle and spit deep inside me
my spirit searing
my psyche, sizzling
i can feel the millions upon millions of synapses
stinging ... burning ...
rage ... the cerebral burn ...
a 4th degree burn ...
rage, a fire that consumes all in its path
leaving a charred, scarred trail of ash
a hollow shell ... no substance ... no life ...
death ... rage ...
immortalized
by the damage they leave behind

birth in reverse

death ...
a birth in reverse …
spiritual ... breath-taking
watching ...
waiting ...
feeling death’s grip tighen
loved ones crumble in grief
... i ...
caregiver
... emotionally unaffected ...
by the loss of this soul ...
ponder the enigma of death -
death ... a mask
that settles upon the corpse ...
devoid of animation ... sallow hue

paralyzing motion

restlessness paralyzes me
a torrent of thoughts, feelings, desires
gush thru my neural pathways
engulfing my consciousness - then
settling ... suffocating …
like mental cling-film

the winds of change
stirring ... profoundly …
galvanizing ... i am
a thought and feeling salad -
so many ingredient
thoughts and feelings tossed together,
their flavours fused into on another -
paralyzing motion

alzheimer demon

memory, mind, dignity
devoured by this demon ...
alzheimer’s ... who siphons souls,
a trail of empty shells strewn in its wake
who settles on faces it possesses
like a shadow crosses a wall of clear gleaming light
traces of wisdom, regret, and sometimes love
erased from creases time has pressed into
friable skin,
replaced with
fear ... suspicion ... hostility
or ... worse ...
replaced with nothingness
a sweet flowing spring
has run dry

land of fae

a dreamy twilight -
where moments sparkle ... twinkle ...
then ... fade fast ...
so fast, one's never sure
if they were ever
moments at all ...

dawn spreads
her colourful wings
in the eastern sky.
listen carefully!
can you hear
the whispering wind
the babbling brook
and ... the gentle sigh
of ancient, brooding trees?

the delicate scent
of roses lingers ...
soft petals, soaking in
velvety golden sunlight.
daybreak ...
in the land of fae

rebirth of the phoenix

broken hearted - my
passion, desire, longing, love
rises from its ashes -
like a phoenix, reborn

junkie

i saw you there
and remembered
how could i forget?
so young ... 26 ...
too young to die ...
far too young ...
too sad ...
resigned ...
like a fox
caught in a leg hole trap
a trap ...
filled with needles ...
needles ... and more needles ...
and ... your sweet elixir ...
the rock ...
white, crystalline, potent ...
a trap ... a vortex ...
is there no way out?

you saw me too ...
remembered me ...
how could you forget ...
all those times
when you felt so scared
you smiled, briefly ...
then, cast your eyes
down in shame ...
itching for the fix ...
the trap ...
inescapable, ruthless, destructive
i watch you ...
gentle despair branded onto
your young ashy face
and that shuffling gait -
feet don't leave the ground ...

i wonder about your saccharine blood
and your sick, scarred heart ...
silently remembering your terror and rage
i notice your ankles - edema ... tell-tale sign
of needles and their legacy
you tell me,
'i need a mitral valve replacement ...
but the docs don't give those
to junkies like me'
i wonder ... my dear ...
why?
why do you embrace this entity
that destroys you?
and ... why do we watch you ...
suffer ... struggle ... despair
in the grips of your addiction?

lotus flower

lotus flower, plump
pink petals, delicately
I encircle you

the prey

your rank breath tasted of sour milk
car grease embedded in your fingernails
black soot pressed in the creases of your hands
fear, your sweet opium
sos - i seek refuge
who will rescue me from
you, a restless sexual vulture -
a vortex that hungers insatiably
fear anger shame hang thickly
an impenetrable fog